parallel tracks

Why do many separated parents use parallel parenting? Because at a time when the adult relationship is ending, parallel parenting can provide a foundation for the co-parental team to continue functioning for the benefit of the children. Because parallel parenting provides a space for parents to acknowledge the difficulties and challenges inherent in their transition through separation and yet to be available to co-parent without open warfare.
 
What are the basic principles that can guide co-parents to set up parallel co-parenting?
 

• Disengage from the conflict
• Agree express rules about behaviour and expectations
• Accept differences e.g. parenting style, values, etc.
• No judgement of the other co-parent
• Future focus to move on as a separated family and not re-litigate the past

 
How do parents disengage from the battle?  
 
In Hong Kong, family mediators try and help parents to focus on their children when making decisions about their children’s arrangements.  By sharing research about how to enhance protective factors for children in separating families, family mediators can help to redirect the parents away from focusing on their adult relationship and towards their co-parental responsibilities.
 
Another casualty of separation is often whatever ability there was to problem solve or communicate. Separating parents may find it difficult to communicate and to problem solve together. However, constructive separation requires both good problem solving and clear communication.
 
In addition, whatever trust may have bound a couple together is usually gone. Understanding that a lack of trust and respect is often a part of this process can help parents to refocus on how to make things work for their children as opposed to winning a battle.
 
The patterns of behaviour which have led to the separation need to be replaced, but consciously deciding to disengage from conflict is the first step. Next post what new patterns can help separating parents to form a new co-parental team?

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