How CAN WE keep our minds in conflict

The zinger leaves our lips and zooms towards the recipient.  As the words leave our mouth there may be an instantaneous moment of regret, or it may be that later that day you take a moment to wince at what you said.  For most people this is a recognisable experience, the feeling that you have said something in the heat of the moment which was ill-advised or hurtful or destructive. When we are frustrated and angry is reacting without thought inevitable?
 
Conflict coaching aims to provide skills for people in how to respond in conflict situations rather than react.  Riskin and Wohl have identified Six Obstacles that we encounter when we are in conflict.

• Excessive self-centred perspectives: not stopping to consider that the other person may have a different perspective or concerns
• Strong negative emotions: anger and fear can block our ability to problem solve
• Automatic ways of thinking: relying on cognitive biases to make sense of the world rather than our rational brain
• Too much / little sensitivity to feelings: we may be too overwhelmed by feelings or pay too little attention to them
• Lack of social skills: not having the tools to respond
• Inadequate focus: focusing on our own narrow concerns

 
If these are the obstacles what do Riskin and Wohl recommend?  They advocate for the use of mindfulness training to provide space and time for reflective responses. In essence they suggest making use of mindfulness techniques to take a step back from the situation, assess what is happening and your response and then refocus attention.
 
By assessing our bodily sensations (e.g. increased heart rate, faster and shallower breathing), our emotional response (e.g. anger, frustration, disappointment) and our thoughts (e.g. what are you noticing? Where is your attention?) we can determine, what is happening for us in conflict situations.  Just the act of slowing down from delivering a reaction to give time to assess and consider how we are feeling can make a significant difference to how we respond. Next time you encounter conflict, take a moment to assess and consider how you may frame a response rather than reacting.

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