GREAT REad: Should I STAY or SHOULD I Go? how controlled separation can save your marriage

I have had the unusual pleasure as a family mediator of working with some couples who wish to try reconciliation. Family mediators will tell you that these cases are unusual and that often people do not survive the crisis which brought them to mediation. However, from my perspective, I always feel honoured to work with people to try and design a roadmap for reconciliation.

For some couples, a crisis has precipitated the decision to come to mediation.  For most people by the time we are sitting in mediation, it is too late to reconcile.  Too much has happened and without knowing it the parties have crossed a line in their relationship. Even in these cases, one party may wish to reconcile.  However, for reconciliation to work, both parties must be committed to the process.

For other couples, both people feel a great deal of ambivalence. A crisis may have occurred but there are reasons which make them want to try to save the relationship.  This book, "Should I stay or should I go?" provides a potential way out of that dilemma. 

Raffel suggests that parties need to respond to the crisis, which he sees as a "call to action".  He suggests a controlled separation gives both parties time and space to heal and to work on the reconciliation. 

To work towards reconciliation, the parties will need to work with a counsellor to address the relationship issues which led to the crisis.  However, in mediation I can work with people to create a roadmap for reconciliation.  We can work on the practical issues:

• will someone move out? if so, who will move out?
• how long will our separation last?
• how will we manage the children during the separation? what will we tell them?
• how will we manage finances during the separation?
• what commitments are we making to work to reconciliation? counselling? individual and together? how often?
• how will we know when we are ready to reconcile and move back together physically?

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