Go back to your school playground. Someone has hurt another child. An adult is telling one child to say ‘sorry’ and for the other child to ‘forgive’ them. As children we are told to respond reflexively to an apology and offer forgiveness. The challenge is that we are not often taught what forgiveness means or how to do it. It can seem to mean:
It is important for people to recognise that Luskin is not proposing a selfless and self-sacrificing forgiveness. His forgiveness is a form of empowerment. It is not about minimising what happened or denying that something happened. It does not mean reconciling with the person who hurt you, they may never know that you have forgiven them.
For parties in conflict, there can be a significant amount of unresolved pain and anger over behaviour / events / decisions. Luskin explains that remaining in anger and pain is a choice. By learning how to forgive, parties can free themselves. In mediation, this freedom translates into an enhanced ability to negotiate in their own best interests.
Next week, why is forgiveness good for us?