FORGIVING FOR OUR OWN GOOD: how (Part 1)

Luskin in Forgive for Good suggests that we need to find a way to land the grievance stories that keep circling in our minds. Not because we should forgive and forget, or because what happened wasn't that bad.  Instead, Luskin asks us to choose well-being, empowerment and freedom.

So if this argument is so clear, why do we resist forgiveness?
One reason can be that we do not know how.  The other can be that we have created a grievance story - a plane that cannot land. We have  created an unenforceable rule (e.g. no-one should lie to me) and then someone we cannot control has broken the rule (e.g. lied to us, betrayed us). Luskin explains that instead of creating unenforceable rules, we can create hopes / wishes.  

What can we do? We can acknowledge that in life we may be disappointed, that we cannot control other people's behaviour.  We can set a positive goal for what we would like to happen, or not happen. By reframing the unenforceable rule as a hope / wish, we refocus on what we do want, and how to obtain that, rather than the disappointment.

Luskin recommends pre-conditions before we embark on forgiveness:

• ​understand what your feelings are about what happened and find a way to explain what happened
• be clear about the actions that wronged you - be specific with details about why the action / inaction was no ok
• share the pain - find two or three people you trust and who care for you to share the story with.  If you cannot share this with friends / family, find a therapist and if this is not possible, then write it down. Importantly do not share your pain with people who do not have your best interests at heart.

Next week, what are the steps we can take to be forgiving?

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