difficult conversations: planning ahead

So if we know a little about our fundamental beliefs about difficult conversations and conflict, and we have reflected on our personal conflict preference, how do we try and achieve meaningful results in a difficult conversation?

• know ourselves and have a hypothesis about the other person
• plan to have a learning conversation
• understand positions / interests
• improve communication skills
• manage our emotions
• reflect / learn afterwards to improve next time

In their book, helpfully titled "Difficult Conversations", Stone, Patton and Heen propose that we consider the three conversations which underlie every difficult conversation:

• What Happened?: or should have happened, or should happen. This is the easiest of the conversation and the one we spend the most time having.  We feel comfortable providing evidence (emails / whatsapps) to demonstrate that we are correct. What can we prove about what happened? how can they accept blame for what happened? will they admit they intended to be hurtful? unhelpful? 
• Feelings: this conversation both asks and answers questions about how we feel about the content and how the other person feels.  This conversation may occur, but may not happen constructively.
• Identity: what does this conversation say about who we are? does it challenge our self-esteem or self-image? they are to blame and they need to acknowledge it is not our fault

In their book, the authors suggest that we need to change difficult conversations into learning conversations.

• Learning What Happened? Conversation: rather than assume we know everything - be curious. Be open to the information the other person may have. We know the impact of the other person's actions on us, but we do not know their intent; and vice versa.
• Learning Feelings Conversation: investigate our own feelings which have surfaced as a result of the difficult conversation, understand that we are responsible for how we feel. The other person's feelings may be engaged.  How can we express our feelings constructively without judgment or blame?
• Learning Identity Conversation: acknowledge that both of us may feel our identity has been threatened. Complexity our understanding of our own identity i.e. we are not perfect that we can be good people who sometimes make mistakes. Each of has contributed to the situation.  This is an interaction.

---