difficult conversations: all in the family?

As we consider communication in conflict, we need to reflect on the beliefs / values / behaviours which underlie our understanding of communication in conflict. 

This means understanding that our most basic beliefs about conflict come from our family of origin. How the adults around us raised conflict, addressed conflict, and resolved conflict became the most basic lessons we absorbed as a child.

​Some people learn good lessons from their families of origin, they learn to address conflict constructively, to speak assertively, to listen attentively and to problem solve collaboratively. However, this is not everyone. Many people learn poor lessons as a child, they may learn that conflict is to be avoided and any resulting feelings suppressed. They may learn that conflict is a battle and one party needs to back down to accommodate the more dominant party. They may never see their parents make up after an argument.

When we are under stress, these foundational behaviours are likely to surface. We may abandon the lessons we have learnt about effective communication and cling to the earliest lessons we have. This is the challenge.

The first step is to reflect on what lessons we learnt as a child. Understanding how your family dealt with communication in conflict and deciding if these lessons are helpful is a truly worthwhile exercise. Some questions to consider:

• what beliefs about conflict do you have from your experience as a child? as a child what did it feel like when there was a conflict in the family?
• how was conflict expressed or suppressed in your family?
• how did family members communicate when they were in conflict? aggressively? assertively? respectfully? dismissively? how did they behave?
• how did they address issues with each other? directly or by engaging other family members (triangulating)? were issues addressed directly or obliquely?
• was the focus on the past? or the future?
• did your family resolve conflicts and move on? did they bear grudges and resentments? 

Answering these questions will help you to understand how you behave in conflict. You may have since learnt more constructive skills, but many of our reactions to conflict as adults have their origins in our childhood.

Next week, what other factors influence our communication in conflict?

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