The Monkeys of the Chinese zodiac are known for being fast learners.
One of the goals in mediation is for the parties to learn more about how to manage their own conflicts in the future. Mediation is a proven process for resolving conflict. The lessons of mediation include:
It is possible for anyone in conflict to learn any of these lessons and to apply them in their current dispute and beyond. Being a fast learner can help anyone to manage and resolve conflicts more effectively.
The Goat is the creative animal in the Chinese zodiac.
Creativity can suffer in conflict. In order to be creative, we need to be vulnerable. When we are in conflict, we already feel vulnerable at least on some level. The thought of exposing ourselves even more to our adversary can prevent people from exploring creative options.
Conflict can lead people to feel that the world has narrowed and that there are only two options – my option or their option. In reality these options exist on a spectrum and there are many shades of grey between our preferred solution and the other person’s preferred solution. Exploring the spectrum requires creativity.
Mediation can provide the safe space for people to be creative and explore some of the options along the spectrum. In mediation, when parties are trying to come up with options there is no judgment and no commitment. Evaluation comes later in the process. As everyone has experienced, if you are trying to be creative and come up with ideas, the one thing that is sure to stop the flow of ideas is judgment.
If you are in conflict, then try and be like the creative Goat. There is more than one way to make a cake. Or end a post.
The next animal in the Chinese zodiac is the Horse. According to the Chinese zodiac, one of the strengths of the Horse is their sense of humour.
It can be hard to experience humour in conflict. Without doubt, many times in the mediation session, people are angry, frustrated, upset and perhaps even shocked about their dispute.
Humour is a powerful tool for communication. If, and it is a big “if”, people share a moment of levity then it can create a strong sense of connection. Even if this is momentary it can provide a reset for a negotiation which has become fraught and stuck.
Usually I do not get to see the humour of parties in mediation, however, I remember sitting in a mediation where both parties were exhausted. One party made a suggestion, which was intended to be funny and which luckily the other party responded to in kind. There was a moment of laughter. We went back to the agenda item, but both had renewed energy and I detected a little shift in each of their positions to be more collaborative. At the end they were able to reach settlement.
The lesson is that humour can be a powerful tool, and like all tools, it must be used at the right time. The right tool at the wrong time is the wrong tool.
The next animal in the Chinese zodiac is the Snake. The Snake is known for being goal focused.
In negotiation or mediation, it is easy to understand people’s positions. Positions are tangible, quantifiable and usually preceded by “I want…”. It is usually very easy for people to identify their positions. In 1981, Fisher and Ury wrote their seminal negotiation book, Getting to Yes, which set out to reveal a new way of negotiating. They urged people to understand their interests and those of the other side. Interests are the needs, fears and concerns which drive our positions.
I remember sitting in mediation where a party, Bill repeated his position and became increasingly voluble as he noted that this was a deal breaker. “I want X, or I’m walking”. The other party, Ben was confused as the asset, “X” represented a significant monthly cost and would present an ongoing burden to Bill. No matter how many times Ben tried to explain that this was a bad deal for Bill, Bill reiterated this was the deal breaker.
For Bill, the asset “X” was identified as a must-have and Bill’s sole focus became achieving this position. As this was a mediation and not a negotiation, we were able to have a discussion to try and understand the interests underlying Bill's position. As Bill spoke it became clear that “X” represented security, continuity and legacy for Bill. All of these interests could be met in other ways which were less burdensome to Bill. By using the mediation process, Bill began to focus on his interests rather than his position.
The lesson in this is to stay focused on your goals and not your positions. The first step in negotiation or mediation is to understand what your interests are. What is it you really need? What needs, fears and concerns need to be addressed? If you have capacity you can take the next step and think about what the other person's interests are. Without the initial reflective step of considering your interests, a party can become wed to a ‘deal-breaker’ position that doesn’t actually meet their needs.