I am delighted to announce that I will be launching a podcast called "Map the Maze".  The podcast is designed to share information and ideas to support people who are separating / divorcing through the mediation process. Launch of the podcast will be 22 June 2020 so stay tuned! The trailer is out today.

As we consider communication in conflict, we need to reflect on the beliefs / values / behaviours which underlie our understanding of communication in conflict. 

This means understanding that our most basic beliefs about conflict come from our family of origin. How the adults around us raised conflict, addressed conflict, and resolved conflict became the most basic lessons we absorbed as a child.

​Some people learn good lessons from their families of origin, they learn to address conflict constructively, to speak assertively, to listen attentively and to problem solve collaboratively. However, this is not everyone. Many people learn poor lessons as a child, they may learn that conflict is to be avoided and any resulting feelings suppressed. They may learn that conflict is a battle and one party needs to back down to accommodate the more dominant party. They may never see their parents make up after an argument.

When we are under stress, these foundational behaviours are likely to surface. We may abandon the lessons we have learnt about effective communication and cling to the earliest lessons we have. This is the challenge.

The first step is to reflect on what lessons we learnt as a child. Understanding how your family dealt with communication in conflict and deciding if these lessons are helpful is a truly worthwhile exercise. Some questions to consider:

• what beliefs about conflict do you have from your experience as a child? as a child what did it feel like when there was a conflict in the family?
• how was conflict expressed or suppressed in your family?
• how did family members communicate when they were in conflict? aggressively? assertively? respectfully? dismissively? how did they behave?
• how did they address issues with each other? directly or by engaging other family members (triangulating)? were issues addressed directly or obliquely?
• was the focus on the past? or the future?
• did your family resolve conflicts and move on? did they bear grudges and resentments? 

Answering these questions will help you to understand how you behave in conflict. You may have since learnt more constructive skills, but many of our reactions to conflict as adults have their origins in our childhood.

Next week, what other factors influence our communication in conflict?

What was that? How often have we tried to say something and found that our message was not received? In a mediation recently, a party said to me, "But I am good at communicating, he just doesn't understand me!". It can feel like that, we send out a message that we feel is clear in content and intent. In conflict situations or difficult conversations, frequently these messages are either not received, or from our perspective are misinterpreted.

Communication is literally a two-way street. We need to send a message, but the recipient is just as important.  What do they understand the message to be? Maybe they perceive a different substantive message, or they interpret a specific emotional content. In conflict, we need to pay attention to both ends of the message sending / receiving.

This series is going to focus on how to approach difficult conversations and how we can improve our communication to make sure that we give our messages the best chance to be heard, and when receiving messages we apply our best tools to understand them.

And so my Miss Marple series draws to a close. It is with some sadness that I close this series, as it has been massively enjoyable reminding myself of all the stories. Although I am a bigger fan of the movies / serialisations than the books, it is the character of Miss Marple who retains my interest. Why?  Why should an oft described "little old lady" be a character of fascination for decades?

From my perspective, she intrigues us because of her many excellent qualities:

• ​Love of life: Life may be sad, tragic, horrific and yet we must keep on. Regardless of the sadness in her early romantic life and single status in a world which found this to be suspicious, Miss Marple engages with life and people.  She finds delight in her extensive relationships and in the exercise of her intellect. She does not allow the challenges she has faced to limit her enjoyment of living. 
• Intelligence: Whilst it may seem to many of the policemen she encounters that Miss Marple has lived a small life in a quiet village, they are mistaken.  In reality, she has lived a deep life with thought, reflection and observation.  She is able to absorb incredible amounts of information and detail, synthesise them and extract the essential facts. She is a wonder. Rather than feeling that her life has been constrained by her circumstances, she has used this as an opportunity to develop an exceptional understanding of human nature.
  
• Empathy: As a student of human nature,  Miss Marple also displays a deep empathy for other people. On one level she understands people, but exceptionally she feels for them.  It is rare for M. Poirot (a real favourite of mine) to overtly display empathy but Miss Marple, with her gentle manner and bright eyes is a source of comfort and warmth for those around her.
• Justice: Her empathy for others, does not excuse their behaviour. In "A Carribbean Mystery", she is called "Nemesis".  It can seem an unlikely nickname for an old dear with knitting, but look more closely and her eyes are gimlets. She will follow, to her peril, a trial to ensure that justice is done.  
• Courage: Miss Marple is an exceptionally brave woman. As portrayed by Geraldine McEwan her fragility is almost unbearable. When portrayed by Margaret Rutherford it is unnoticeable. Margaret Rutherford has something of the battleship in her portrayal.  It is enjoyable but lessens her courage - who would challenge Ms Rutherford?  As a character though she is often alone working things out, dismissed by the police, disdained by those around, she pursues truth and justice. For me, the restoration of order is one of the most satisfying element of detective fiction, and Miss Marple delivers.

How is any of this relevant to conflict? Ah, that is easy.

• Love of life: in the depths of conflict it can be hard to remember that bad things happen in everyone's life. We need to choose to move forward, we need to choose to live.  The alternative is despair.
• Intelligence: we are gifted with intelligence, yet for many in conflict, the rational brain is offline.  We feel under attack and therefore over rely on our instinct/biases/ fight, flight or freeze instincts. In conflict we need to choose to use our intelligence to the best of our abilities. We need to learn to combine our intelligence with those with whom we are in conflict to find solution.
• Empathy: in mediation, we always say "you don't need to agree with, but you do need to understand the other person's perspective". For those in conflict, being able to experience empathy for the other person can lead to enhanced option generation and a sense that each has experienced pain and loss.
• Justice: people in conflict often say they want a solution that is 'far and reasonable', sadly this view of what is 'fair and reasonable' is often of a highly subjective nature. Learning to see the situation from a more nuanced perspective, understanding that objective criteria can assist with decisions, is a way of embracing justice. Finding a compromise which provides for each party's priority needs can provide a sense of justice.
• Courage: conflict is scary.  For some of the parties I work with, the conflict represents the end of their marriage, their identity, their work, their business. These losses can be devastating.  Parties need to find courage to move forward, to come to the table and to seek solutions. I admire every person who can put aside their fears and concerns and put belief in themselves to find answers. 

There will definitely be more detective series going forward, so watch later in the year for a little Conan Doyle, Allingham, Sayers, Marsh, Sansom, They, Thomas, Buchan...to come.

In family conflict, parties often have wild imaginations.  The breach of trust which leads to the end of the relationship throws all certainties into doubt.  Even if there has been a long history, the parties can feel as if they no longer recognise each other.  This is also typically when communication breaks down.  Into this vacuum, imagination pours fears, interpretations and dire prophecies.

Some of these beliefs are related to the changes in behaviour/actions/choices of each party as the relationship disintegrates.  However, many of them spring from allowing our imaginations to run wild.  As Agatha Christie, notes imaginations are a bad master.  If there is a concern, much better to raise constructively. Through mediation, we can work to create a new paradigm for communication and a world without assumptions. 

In "A Murder is Announced", Miss Marple wrestles with an improbable crime. The local paper in Chipping Cleghorn includes a notice that a murder will take place at a date and time specified in the home of Miss Letitia Blacklock. At the appointed time, a murder does indeed occur.  Miss Marple must reconstruct the tangled web which led the victim to the house and his demise.

The premise is challenging, the time and place of the murder is announced so why would anyone in their right mind go there? It is a situation which seems to have absolute certainty and yet the key fact, the intended victim is unknown. 

At the moment, we are all living with a level of uncertainty which extends to our health, our families and friends, and our finances. I referred a few weeks ago to the guidance provided by the AFCC for co-parenting during COVID-19. This is an attempt to give guidelines to parent at a time when nothing is certain. The basic facts of COVID-19 are becoming clear, but so much is unknown. If we had Miss Marple stationed in every home, it would be easier to navigate. In the absence of Miss Marple what can parents do? 

The AFCC recommends that co-parents be creative, understanding and generous. Without doubt, these guidelines are needed in the current situation when it is possible that parents will have different views on what is appropriate for children during these times.  In addition to the AFCC guidelines, I would also suggest:

• if you have an agreement about communication - dust it off.  Follow the protocols you have put in place.  
• Express yourself clearly and respectfully.  Use "I"statements to express concerns without blame.
• Remember to listen as well as to speak. If the other parent has a different view, listen.  You don't have to agree but you do need to understand. They may have thought of something you haven't, or you may be able to address their concerns about your ideas.
• Try to reconnect with your co-parent about the things you both agree on: love of your children, wanting to keep them safe and healthy. Try and find some common values and beliefs.  At least start the conversation on a positive note. 
• When you are communicating with your children, try to use 'we' statements. These are things like, "mum and I", "dad and I", etc.  In normal times they provide your children with a sense that their parents are working as a team.  In anxious times likes these that reassurance can be incredibly helpful for children. Children do not need to hear their parents arguing about how to keep them safe.

Just in time for Easter, another colouring page. I hope you have some time over Easter to rest and relax. Hopefully there are some Easter eggs in there as well. If you would like to download the colouring page please click on the file download below. Happy Easter

Agatha Christie, borrowed from Omar Khayyam for the title, The Moving Finger.  In his famous Rubiayat, Khayyam ponders the truth that time moves on and we cannot call it back or erase what has happened (Verse 51).  In her book, Christie explores the impact of a poison pen writer in a small village.  Needless to say the letters are not the only subject matter of Miss Marple's investigation. In fact, the letters are a diversion to attract attention away from the real crimes. Miss Marple sees beyond the words.

In conflict, and in the heat of anger, words can be weapons.  We have all done it.  The red mist descends and before we realise it, we have said something hurtful and cruel.  We have made a threat, the closer to a real fear the better.  If we are lucky then these words are forgiven or forgotten and our relationship continues.  However, if we are in an ongoing conflict or in a separation then these words can come back to haunt us.

I can recall many mediations where the angry words spoken by one party are used to justify the fears or positions of the other party.  It may have taken a microsecond for the words to come out of our mouths, but the tail is long. 

The reality is that we are all capable of saying terrible things when we are angry.  As humans we need to acknowledge that whilst words are important, we are all capable of speaking without thinking. 

As Miss Marple and Omar Khayyam know we cannot go back in time to change them, we can only change things going forward.  We cannot ask people to trust us, we can only show them through our actions that trust can be rebuilt. 

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Here is another colouring page for the weekend.  With all that is going on finding flow is key to keeping perspective.  There are few easier ways of re-establishing balance for me than drawing.  It may be time to give it a go...

​You can download the colouring page from the below link.

Agatha Christie